


"I'm Trying!" (But It Doesn't Feel Like You Are)

by infinity2375, Spectre_Sierra_Prime



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Agent Carolina & Agent Washington are Siblings, Asshole Church, Bisexual Tucker, M/M, POV Lavernius Tucker, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Though when is he not, Trans Character, Trans Tucker, carwash siblings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-22
Updated: 2016-06-13
Packaged: 2018-04-16 13:42:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4627440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infinity2375/pseuds/infinity2375, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spectre_Sierra_Prime/pseuds/Spectre_Sierra_Prime
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No one can save you from yourself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Everybody but the Freelancers are Dumb Shits and People Become Suspicious

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Suicidal themes

****_Load. Aim. Shoot._

Head shot. A bit to the left of where he was aiming for. A curse runs through his head. He needs to be perfect he can’t miss he can’t let anyone else die. He can't be responsible for more deaths he just can't. The darkness that follows death is unbearable for him he can't take anymore of it. He wonders how Wash and Carolina got through so many deaths, deaths of the people they loved and held dear. He knew that they weren't okay 100%, but he wanted to know how they managed to look like they weren't always remembering or worrying.  

Aim. Shoot.

He hasn't been sleeping well lately. Scratch that, he hasn't been sleeping at all. He can’t remember the last time he slept let alone slept well. Sleeping brings back the nightmares and he can’t think-. The nightmares they kept getting worse. He would dream about Junior and how he was possibly dead or captured. He would dream about Alpha and how his best friend had died. He dreamed about the Reds, Caboose, Wash, Carolina, hell he even dreamed about Epsilon. He dreamed about how they were going to eventually die. He dreamed about his old squad and of Cunningham and Matthews. They were dead and it was his fault. Of course having these nightmares meant having to be asleep and he rarely did that these days. Sleeping meant reliving those deaths and imagining the deaths of his team. His family. He couldn't keep doing that it hurt too much.

Aim. Shoot.

He turns the safety on and leaves the gun at the shooting station. He needs something more active, something to keep his mind entertained, something to get his thoughts off of everything that happened before Wash was captured. Before his family got separated. Before "Freckles, shake". Those two words, that one phrase had almost killed him. He screamed for Wash. But the rocks had already fell and Felix had grabbed him before he was crushed.

He heads towards the hand to hand combat area and pulls a dummy out into the arena. He gets into his stance and he feels those thoughts leave his mind as he begins to fight. Taking out his anger, his sadness, his helplessness into this dummy.

Punch block kick.

He keeps hitting the dummy over and over until the sweat gathering on his face begins to blur his vision. He uses his shirt to wipe it away and checks the time. 6 am. That's early enough to go for a run yet late enough to not make people look at him oddly. He heads back to his room to get into running shorts and shoes before leaving the building. He decides to run four miles before getting breakfast. He's already hungry but he just needs to run. He needs to keep his emotions at bay for awhile. He needs to just stop thinking and breathe. Breathing is the only thing he needs to focus on for the moment. Breathing. Breathe in and breathe out. It keeps him sane sometimes, stopping him from screaming at Wash or Caboose.  

_-_-_-_

He comes into the dining hall a sweaty mess. Its 6:30 now. A few people are gathered at some of the tables but not many, it's still early. Most of the army is just now getting up and the rush wouldn't happen till 7. He grabs a tray and loads it with food. He’s hungry, not as much as he should be considering he hasn't had a full meal in almost three weeks. But he ignores that thought and instead grabs some silverware before sitting at a table. A few minutes after he sits down he sees the Freelancers- No Carolina and Wash, they are your friends now, theyareyourfriendsnow- walk in. They sit next to him and Church blinks to life above Carolinas shoulder before saying,

"Why the fuck are you so grumpy?" Fucking Church. He's always been an ass but Tucker swears he used to be less of an ass and a helluva lot more bitchy back in Blood Gulch- dontthinkaboutBloodGulchdontthinkabout-

"Its 6:30 in the fucking morning I have a right to be fucking grumpy. I mean look at you, you're always grumpy." They don't need to know that he hadn't slept at all last night. Well not enough, barely a half hour before he awoke from a nightmare about Junior.

"I had a busy night last night anyway. Bow Chicka Bow Wow." Washington groans from his seat next to Tucker.

"Isn't it a bit early to be making innuendos Tucker?"  He just smiles and winks.

"It's never too early to make innuendos, Wash. Never." Wash placed his head in his hands after his ears turned a shade of red. Tucker smirked as Caboose, Doc, and the Reds sit down.

 

"Grif, how the fuck do you get such large portions. You're already a fatass and we have rations!" Simmons exclaims as Grif shovels his food into his mouth.

"Its a talent Simmons. A natural born talent." Throughout his words he never stops eating and Donut cringes at the sight.

"Manners, Grif, manners! We don’t want you to choke on something do we?" Donut exclaims. Tucker mutters a barely heard bow chicka bow wow. Barely being a key word, because Wash heard and he gently kicked Tuckers leg. Tucker smiled slightly, not enough for anyone else to notice but maybe Wash.

"Tucker why are there bags under your eyes? Church said that those are bad." Caboose exclaimed out of nowhere and Tucker froze. Thanks a lot Caboose. Thanks a fucking lot. Carolina turned to Tucker and so does everyone else, except for Wash. Wash had already noticed the bags and was probably going to question Tucker later.

"Tucker have you been sleeping? Sleeping is a basic human function and its bad not to get at least 7 hours of it every night, especially during a war!" Doc pipes up.

"I've been sleeping pretty well, maybe not 7 hours but you know the chicks all want a piece of Tucker-"

"Bull Shit. Like literally who here would sleep with you?" Church snickers and Tucker wishes he wasn't an AI because he’s really tempted to punch him right now.

"Hey! All the ladies want me! And maybe even some of the dudes if you get what I'm saying." He wiggles his eyebrows and there's a collective groan at the table. Wash kicks him sharply a sign telling him to shut up and take to the conversation.

"Tucker we're serious." Carolina manages to get a word in as the groans die down. "We are in the middle of a war right now and if you are not battle ready how can we put you in the field?" He almost clenches his fists because that's all he cares about right now, saving everyone and fighting this war because believe it or not he does actually care and he does have feelings. He just doesn't want people to know all of his feelings though. He's afraid that they'll push him away because of what he's thinking. Instead he just says what comes to his mind next. A lie he knows it, Carolina knows, Wash definitely knows it, and they'll talk to him later. Probably corner him along with Epsilon cause he was always around Carolina (for the obvious reasons).

"Its just the war, you know? Like we're all leaders now, us Reds and Blues and that pressure isn’t really relaxing. I'll sleep more though so don't worry about me. In fact, you should probably worry about Grif because he just ate more then what’s humanly possible to fit in a human stomach in less than 5 minutes."

Simmons and Doc turn to yell at Grif and Tucker started to laugh. He can feel the stares of Carolina and Wash boring into him. He just knows the two will not let this be the last of it, but for now he just sits there and eats. He can only hope that nobody notices that his hands are shaking. But a part of him knows that Wash see's his shaking hands. He wished for once that the ex-freelancer would do something. But he knows he won't. He's not even sure himself what they are, especially after they were reunited things sort of changed. But he doesn't really know and he's not really focused on that right now. He's more focused on his shaking hands and trying to even his breath.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the shitty writing  
> Looking for a Beta so if your willing I'd love to work with you!  
> Hope you enjoy the fic!  
> Next up we see more into Tuckers past and how/why he's become this way.....


	2. Is This A Dream Or A Nightmare (I Can’t Feel The Difference)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tucker tries to sleep and things don't really work out...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Somewhat graphic description of blood

**** Tucker lied in his bed, staring at the ceiling. He wasn’t sure what was wrong but he knew he had to sleep.  He was right earlier though. Both Carolina and Wash cornered him. Wash had hung back while Carolina lectured him. In Tucker's opinion it wasn't much of a lecture, it was Carolina worrying about her family. She didn't want anything to happen to them either. It was hard to hear, it's not like he didn't want to listen or brush her off. It hurt him on the inside to hear Carolina say these things, about how she was worried about him and how she loved all of them and didn't want anything happening to her new team. Wash though his hurt a lot more. He didn't speak out loud at all, but his face. He was in shorts and a shirt ready to go work out, so there was no helmet to protect Tucker from seeing his face. Wash had enough emotions on his face to double Church's decade quota of being human. He saw the hurt, sadness, worry, and something else Tucker couldn't quite read. And it scared him. It's not like he didn't know that everyone loved him, it was that tiny voice in his head that got a lot louder after Felix. It was constantly telling him that no one cared and that's what caused the nightmares to become so realistic. That voice had twisted the good things Tucker had and had turned them into nightmares. 

But to get nightmares you had to sleep first. Tucker knew that sleeping meant remembering and remembering meant nightmares and Tucker can’t do that again.  It was getting harder and harder to not scream into the night. He's lucky he didn't share a room with anyone, it would make the nights a lot harder than they really needed to be. 

He closed his eyes and tried to relax. Carolina would notice if he didn’t sleep. Carolina was observant after all her years in Freelancer and Tucker wasn’t stupid enough as to try and fool her.  He had tried that earlier and it didn't work at all. He got two freelancers worrying over him like he was a baby. He wasn't a baby.  _ I can take care of myself. I don't need anyone to hover over me.  _

His own thoughts lulled him into sleep and while a part of his brain was consumed with terror another was welcoming sleep with open arms. He needed to sleep. And oh what Tucker would give not to.  A part of him wanted to sleep, but that part of him hardly won and when it did it never lasted long. Nightmares came within minutes and if he was really lucky he could get in a few hours. 

_-_-_-_

He was back in Blood Gulch. He was in labor and all the blood around him (His blood but he didn’t want to think about that,  _ couldn’t _ think about that) was coating the walls like a layer of paint. It was dripping from his hair into his eyes and down his face. His neck had a pool of blood gathering in it and he was gagging on it, the smell, the feel, the  _ taste _ . He was thrashing as his stomach was being cut open to remove an alien parasite (He would grow to love his small child but right now all he could think about was the pain). Why Doc was insisting on saving the child  _ and _ him he couldn’t fathom. He didn’t think he could live through anything like this (He held a new respect for his mother, wherever she was). But before he could see his child he was ripped out of this memory and into a new one. 

_-_-_-_

“D-dad? Mom?” His father was raging through the house again, breaking anything and everything and even though his mother had told him to stay in his room it had quieted down so his dad had either left or passed out, right?  Tucker had wished that his dad had left or passed out and 7 year old Tucker should have stayed in his room.

When he walked out he saw his dad on the floor, passed out, just like he had suspected. But something was different this time.  The room felt different and his dad had a somewhat peaceful look on his face. He never looked peaceful in his sleep. Tucker had never seen throughout his young life his father looking peaceful in his sleep.   He also wasn’t snoring and his chest was disturbingly still.  Tucker had no idea what to think about that.

 

“Mom! Mom what’s going on? Mom!” 

 

Desperation grew in his voice as he tip-toed through the house, cursing the broken things on the floor. He knew that he should’ve put on shoes, whenever dad got this bad it was a necessity, and would be until they picked everything up again and fixed what they could.  By the time he and his mom picked everything up and fixed what they could, his dad would go on another drunk or high rampage.  His mom was usually here though, where was she? 

 

“Mom?!” 

 

He kept whisper shouting for his mother but he never received an answer. He turned the corner and saw his mom curled up in the corner of the living room. She was facing the wall and she wasn’t moving. Maybe she hadn’t heard him... He touched her shoulder and she fell back, displaying the answer of why she wasn't answering him. A bottle, that was broken in half, was sticking out of her chest right over her heart. She was laying in her own pool of blood, her eyes dull and lifeless. When he fell his hands had caught him, catching glass that would eventually scar over. They always reminded him of one of the worst nights of his life.

“Mom.... Mom what’s going on? Mom!” Hysteria was creeping into his voice and he couldn’t stop it. 

 

“Mom! Mom please answer me! Mom i’m right here why won’t you talk to me?! Why can’t you hear me!? Mom!!!”

 

He was sobbing now. She couldn’t be gone.  He kept repeating those words over and over until the sobs started to choke him.  Maybe dad could help. Sure dad was unreliable at times but when he wasn’t sick he was okay. He could help. He had to help. He ran back to his dad, ignoring the growing pain in his feet as broken pieces of vases and photo frames edged their way in. 

“Dad! Dad!” He collapsed next to his dad and started screaming at him. “Dad you have to listen to me! Dad please dont ignore me like you always do! Dad this is important! This isn’t like the other times please just wake up!” He wasn't listening to him. Why did no one ever listen to him! He wasn’t stupid!  He was smart and he eventually started to put things together. Like how his father would get sick when he wouldn't take his medicine or he would drink too much.  He knew that most dads weren’t like this! He knew that families were supposed to be lovable and caring. He knew a lot more then his parents thought and he was sick of being ignored! 

“Please will someone just listen to me!” He crawled into his room and underneath his bed. He would wait. He would wait until someone listened. He had time, after all, he was only 7.  At 7 years old he would only have to wait until the next week was over. There was a knock on the door. 

 

But Tucker didn't get to relive the next part because he was ripped from that nightmare and thrown into the next.

 

_-_-_-_

 

“I’m being transferred?!” Tucker yelled, looking at the paper in his hand. 

“We all are, dickwad. That’s just what’s happening right now. I don’t know why, and frankly I don’t care. You’re going on some mission or whatever.  Some government shit. ” Church waved a hand in his direction before heading to his room.

“You should probably pack or whatever.” 

“I am going to somewhere with lots of nice people!” Caboose yelled from somewhere in the base “It says it’s off planet too! I think Church is coming with me too!” Tucker snorted. As if any of them were going to see each other again. He wondered how long Caboose would make it before shaking his head. Nobody would let Caboose into any sort of battle with his head being screwed up the way it is.  Not only was it not safe for Caboose but his team mates would be put in the line of fire of Caboose.

“Well, cya fuckers!” Church shouted, as he ran out of the base and into one of the waiting Hornets. It took off right as Caboose processed his words.  A confused look on his face before a smile appeared. 

“Church! I will meet you there okay! See you soon Church!” He turned to Tucker. “He is just going to help set up everything for me. He is not leaving without me! We are best friends!” He ran back inside to finish packing what little belongings he had. Poor Caboose. He had no idea.  He had no idea that he and Church were going to different places and would most likely never see each other ever again. Not that Church would mind.

 

Tucker walked to one of the Hornets and looked around. Grif and Simmons were boarding the same hornet (Figures) and Sarge was yelling at them not to abandon the base as they ‘Still had a war to fight!’. Kai was who knows where (Probably dead or passed out but he couldn’t think about that). He strapped himself into his seat and watched his old base get smaller and smaller until he couldn’t see it anymore. 

The person sitting across fromhim looked up. “Hello Private Tucker. I am an agent of the UNSC. We have heard of your successful breeding with the aliens and are here to ask for your help in negotiations.” Tucker was going to interrupt (He had  _ not _ bred with one) but the agent just kept talking. “If you agree, we have the ability to return you to your son, who we have been informed left and went missing earlier this month, and upgrade your pay. If not, we can send you on your way to another base like the one you were just stationed at. ” The agent smiled, and Tucker knew that he was going with her. He wanted to see his son again.  Needed to see his son again.

“I guess I can help you.  When will I be able to see my son again?” The agent looked satisfied and ignored him, going to the front of the Hornet.

“Hey! When will I see my son again!”

“Soon Private Tucker. Just wait until we land then we can update you on everything.”

_-_

 

Tucker flinched as a rather large piece of shrapnel passed by his face. “Junior! Donut! Get out of here! Find someplace safe!” He yelled as he fired, before returning to his position behind the rock. 

“Blarg-Honk!” Junior yelled back, sounding angry.  He didn't want to leave his father.

“We need reinforcements! I can hold them off just get out of here now!” A bullet whizzed past his face and as he turned to fire.  But before he could return fire a bullet  forced its way into his shoulder. He almost screamed but refrained himself from doing that until Junior was gone. He needed Junior to get out of here! 

“The agents here have turned on us! The aliens have too! I don’t know why  they did this to us, but if you don’t leave we’ll all die here! And I don't want to die in this stupid ass desert!” 

Donut looked at him and nodded, and began pulling on Juniors arm. “Come on Junior! Your dad is one of the best soldiers I know, he’ll be fine! Let’s get reinforcements so your dad can fight back!” The blatant lies flew out of Donuts mouth and Tucker only hoped it would be enough to get Junior to leave. Even if he did die here Junior deserved better than that.  He deserved to die far away from the war, away from this hell hole.

 

Junior gave him a sad look before grabbing Donut and running. As soon as they looked far enough away he began firing in earnest, even throwing a grenade before running to a new hiding spot near the temple. He took out his sword and was about to charge when he heard a rumbling sound. The door was opening! He ran inside and when he heard the aliens and agents running towards him he released his sword and the door fell shut. 

His son was safe. That was all that mattered. Even if they found a way in and tried to torture him he had gone through worse during ‘training’. He would be okay. He had to okay. He wasn’t going to leave his son. Now he just needed a way to treat that bullet wound in his shoulder before he died from blood loss.

 

_-_

 

The last transmission he got from Donut was garbled and static-y, but he got the message.  The message had caused him to vomit.

 

His son was dead. 

And it was his fault. 

 

_-_-_-_

 

Tucker woke up with a gasp, and began to panic. Where was he? Where was Junior? Was everyone okay? 

 

Breathe.  In and out. Breathe in and breathe out. Calm down.

 

His name was Lavernius Tucker. He used to be part of the Blue Army, then an ambassador for the UNSC, and now he was one of the leaders of an army in Chorus. His son was alive. Everyone was okay. Nobody had died. Church was Epsilon now. They were all reunited. It was okay. He looked at the time; 4:27am. No way he going back to bed now. Might as well train right? If he trains enough he’ll get to see his son again. He’ll be able to get off of this stupid planet and retire from this goddamned army.  He'll be able to go home. He wasn't sure what he would do, but anything was better than fighting something that he had no business getting into.

 

He just had to get better. 

 

That meant training. Training hard.

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMFG the response I got from the first chapter was amazing!! Thank you guys so so much!!! Follow me on Tumblr at Fangirl2375 .
> 
> I'm thinking this might be around 7 chapters with a possible Epilogue. For all you tuckington shippers, that will come into play within the nest few chapters, but it wont be a main theme. It wont be like 'love saved him' or something. 
> 
> Not as happy with this one as I wanted to be but I couldn't seem to find a way to make it better so  
> Anyway this is a bit longer then I intended it to be, so expect future chapters to be a bit shorter then this. 
> 
> Up next: Tucker returns to the training room and he's not alone this time...


	3. Sleep Is For The Weak (God I Wish I Was Weak)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tucker confronts Wash in the Training room and things don't seem to end well.... for either of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to my New Beta, Peytonxwx, the past chapters have now been edited. There has been some stuff added on, so if u go back and reread them there will be more/new stuff! Hooray! Anyway, enjoy!

Tucker tosses his bed covers aside, he still couldn't sleep. He shrugs out of bed and glances at the clock, 4:27. ‘I should throw a fucking party, I got 2 extra hours of sleep,’ Tucker thought as he threw on some clothes good for training. Why did he even think sleep would be helpful? All it did was remind him of how fucking useless he was. He was so fucking stupid. It didn’t help! Sleep was just a fucking waste of time.

 

He was glad that the doors around the base were automatic and silent. The feds finally did something right. After he made it out of the dormitories, he jogged down to the simulation wing of the training building.

 

Once he was there he walked into simulation room RA. Tucker was looking for a challenge, so random attacks work great. RA was the only simulation that he still couldn’t pass. He needs to pass, to prove that he can save his friends. To help protect them. Junior, Caboose, Donut.... Wash.

 

“Simulation start in 3...2...1..” The AI, that sounded nothing like Sheila, counted down in a monotone voice. Robots suddenly formed, and took their fighting stances. One robot in the corner started to circle Tucker, searching for any and all weak points. Suddenly a gunshot rang out, Tucker quickly dived out of the way, barely getting out of the way. Tucker quickly threw a smoke bomb in the direction of two of the robots, looking for safety. The third robot threw itself at Tucker, he tried to duck but it was too late, one of the other robots shot a holographic bullet through his chest.

“Simulation failed. Would you like to run it again?”

'Fuck!'

'Why can't I even last a minute in this Goddamn simulation!'

 

"How am I going to win actual battles if I can't even do this goddamn simulation?!," Tucker yelled at himself.

 

“No.End the simulation, shut down program, allow only personnel with a clearance of level 8 to start the program back up.” A new voice called from the doorway. Tucker froze.

"Yes Agent Washington, program shutting down" The AI responded.

 

“Now, Tucker. I recall someone saying that they would sleep tonight. And now, for whatever reason, I seem to find that someone training at 4:30 in the morning!” Washes voice echoed through the empty room.

“Would you care to explain!?”

“No. Actually, I have a feeling this ‘certain someone’, would very much like you to leave so he can continue what he was doing, if you wouldn’t mind.” Tucker hissed, anger beginning to flow through his veins. He had slept for a normal amount of time! From like 11 to 4! That was like 5 hours! More than he usually slept in a week!

 

“Tucker this is serious! What the hell do you think you’re doing!? This isn’t healthy for you, it’s putting unnecessary stress on us, your fucking family, and the example you are presenting to your men is-”

 

“Perfectly fucking fine thank you! I have one of the best squads, if any of you would care to remember, and just because I have some unhealthy habits doesn’t mean that everyone else does! And who are you to judge anyway?! After all, you’re in here too, aren’t you!” Accusation laced in every word Tucker spoke and a challenge began to rise up in his eyes.

 

“Only because I heard you go in here! You aren’t as stealthy as you’d like to think!” Wash shot back, furious.

 

“Shut the fuck up. I know perfectly well that I can be pretty fucking quiet when I want to be, and while you might have heard me, if you had even been half asleep you would still be in bed. You are such a goddamned liar. I’m not a fucking idiot Washington, and I’m definitely not fucking emotionless. Who the fuck do you think you are to accuse me of the faults that you have yourself, and then deny them in front of me as well.” Tucker didn’t yell. He didn’t move. He just looked Wash in the eyes and spoke his razor like words.

 

“Tucker...” His voice broke, and Tucker almost backed down, but he was done with all the lies and fake smiles. He wanted to be okay, was that really too much to ask?!

“Tucker that’s not what I’m trying to say-”

 

“I’m not asking for an explanation. I’m asking if I have permission to leave, Agent Washington.” Wash’s face fell, and a broken look covered the anger that was just there.

before he turned away.

 

“Permission granted, Captain Tucker.” Wash's grey eyes had turned to ice and if he had looked back maybe he would’ve seen Tucker's slumped shoulders and those big brown eyes filled with tears. Maybe he would’ve seen how he was brushing away tears. But Washington didn’t look back, he couldn't look back until he finally heard that door close.

 

 

Just like before he was all alone again.

 

Pushing away the people he loves, he knew Wash was hurt and he knew it was his fault.

 

 

Both are his worst nightmares.

 

 


	4. I'm Okay (Please Help Me)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tucker goes for a run, and shit almost hits the fan

Tucker felt like screaming as he calmly walked through the empty echoing halls. Why the fuck was he so stupid!? He couldn’t do anything right! He had never been able to keep a family, never been able to get a job, he was such a fuckup! Why the fuck was he even born!?

  
The thought stopped him cold. He had always had thoughts of his failures brushing the corners of his mind, always felt like he had messed up somehow, but this? This was on a whole new level of messed up. He struggled to keep walking, the movements halted and jarring. Breathe Tucker, seriously it’s not that hard. Just breathe.  
In through the nose, and out through the mouth, in through the nose.

  
He felt his heart rate slow as he approached the door to his room. He was okay. He was okay. He was fine. Nothing was wrong. He was just stupid. Tucker opened his door and threw himself onto his bed, the springs creaked adjusting to the sudden weight. Looking at the ceiling, he mulled over his thoughts.

  
Running usually cleared his thoughts. Wash would probably wake Carolina, and there was no reason for him to wait here for her next lecture. But then again, if he went for a run then Wash might panic. The ex-freelancer kind of deserves it. He glanced at the time. 5:15. That was enough time for a run, right?

  
He sat up and looked for his running shoes. He knew they were in here somewhere… He looked under his bed first. I mean, that’s where most shoe’s end up, right? Wrong. There was nothing under his bed, and while that wasn’t unusual, it irked him. He turned to look in his closet when he tripped over something on the floor.

  
His shoes.

  
“Honestly, fuck my life.” He muttered as he shoved his shoes onto his feet. He tied the laces and slowly got up, bones aching. The taste of sleep he had gotten earlier had left his body aching for more, but his mind was terrified of the nightmares, of the thoughts that plagued him, the memories. Isn’t it odd that the things that terrified him most were the things that he dealt with daily? Probably not, actually, but whatever.

  
He walked out of his room and ran outside. He breathed in the fresh air and smiled. He could finally sort his thoughts out. He began to jog, pacing himself slower than he usually did. He wanted this run to last a while. He wanted to distract himself for awhile.

  
Even as tears began to escape, he kept running.

  
Even as his thoughts took dangerous turns, he kept running.

  
Even when the tallest buildings looked appealing, he kept running.

  
Run.

_-_-_-_

Wash was freaking out. Tucker hadn’t shown up since their encounter- no argument, it had been a fight, there was no avoiding that- and the entire Blood Gulch Crew plus him and Carolina were searching for him. His running shoes were missing from his room, as discovered by Simmons, and they were searching Armonia now. But Armonia was a big city, and there were only so many of them.

  
What if he had been captured? Killed? What if the last words Wash would ever get to tell Tucker were words of anger and resentment?

  
No. They would find Tucker. And not only would he be alive, he'd be perfectly fine. Just like he always was.

  
“Wash.” Carolina said over the com, “Any sign of him yet?” She sounded fine, but this was the third time in just over an hour that she had contacted him about it. She was worried, almost as much as he was.

  
“Not yet. Though we’re bound to see him soon. It’s a large city but if need be we have a fairly large army that can search high and low for him.” He realized that that was kind of extreme, but still. It was a possibility.

  
“I doubt that we will reach that kind of emergency. Keep a sharp eye out, Washington.” He almost flinched, but kept his face composed. Even if no one could see him, he didn’t want to show any weakness.

  
“You too, Carolina.” He turned off his comm and studied his surroundings. He was almost in the center of the city right now, and it was disturbingly empty. It was almost creepy, actually.

  
He turned left and was met with, once again, an empty street. Cities were supposed to be alive, bustling, and filled with people. This place had lost its purpose. When would anyone live here again? Would the streets be filled with endless noise, car horns and the endless chatter of people? Or would the planet die? He shook the thoughts away and turned again, right this time.

“Tucker, I swear to god, if you end up dead I will bring you back and kill you myself.” He said to the empty street.

  
“Thank god I’m not dead then, right?” Wash froze and turned around.

The street was empty, he could’ve sworn he heard Tucker right behind him.

  
“So, what’s up? What are you doing out here anyway?”

  
“Where the fuck are you? Seriously, you’ve been missing for hours!” Tucker strolled out of a building across the street, holding a steaming mug.

  
“Hours? Shit. Well, I was taking a run and then I found this awesome coffee shop! Looks like the owners just abandoned it or something because guess what! It still has coffee in it! And not the shitty ration stuff, like actual coffee and-!”

  
“Tucker! Seriously, do you know how worried we were! We’ve been looking for you since 6 in the morning! It’s 8 now! We’ve been searching this entire city! We thought you might’ve been kidnapped!” Worry bled through his words and he only hoped Tucker heard it this time.

  
“No way! It’s only been like, an hour, right? No way it’s 8 now!” He looked panicked, and he realized-

  
“Holy shit you really didn’t notice, did you? Tucker, how do you not notice hours flying by?” Wash was genuinely concerned. People notice time passing, it part of human nature. And while yes, sometimes it might seem like hours have been minutes, there’s no way that it’s normal for Tucker- or anyone- to lose track of time while taking a run.  
“Well, no shit Sherlock.” Tucker wasn’t taking this seriously. Though, this was Tucker. He should’ve expected that.

  
He commed the others. “Guys, found him. He found a coffee shop and lost track of time.”

  
Of course it was Carolina who responded first. “Send us your coordinates. We’ll come to you.” Wash had already sent the coordinates before Carolina asked.

“Oh my god! Tucker! Can you hear me!?” Caboose screamed in his ear. Who let him have a com?

  
“Oh my god, shut up Caboose!” Grif yelled before he shut off his comm.

  
“Their coming to us. So, how much trouble do you think you’re gonna be in with Carolina?”

  
Tucker just groaned.

  
Wash smiled.

  
They were back to normal.

  
At least, he hoped.

_-_-_-_

“Lavernius Tucker, if you ever do something like that again, I will rip off your balls and throw them into the nuclear reactor!” Carolina yelled, grabbing his shirt and holding him up.

  
“Too bad I don’t have any yet, eh?” Carolina just rubbed her temples. “Hey, you know you love me.” Tucker laughed, and Carolina put him down before getting up in his face.

  
“Tucker, I’m serious. If you ever worry us like that again I will personally rip you into pieces and serve your corpse to the entire army of Chorus. Are we clear?” Tucker gulped and nodded.

  
“Yep. Clear as glass. Or water. Or air. Clear as something really really clear.” Carolina pushed him a bit before walking away, presumably to go talk with Kimball.

  
Tucker walked to his room, smile on his face and mischief in his eyes. It all dropped when the door closed behind his back.

  
How had he not noticed that 3 hours had passed?! What the fuck was wrong with him to not have noticed something as important as time!?

  
And so he got into his bed, curled up, and cried.

  
He wouldn’t move for a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At long last, Chapter 4! And it's actually good shit! Wow!


	5. I’m Not Worth It (But Please Don’t Leave Me Behind)

Tucker was still there on his bed at 11. He didn’t know what to do. Why was he so fucked up? Look at Carolina and Washington. They had been through so much, so much more than him, and they were fine. They were better then fine, they were excellent. And here he was, acting all pathetic, stuck in his bed. His body was tempted to sleep but he hoped that he didn’t fall into that, into the nightmares that plagued him. 

His run had been relaxing. It had gotten his mind off of everything, made him feel normal for a few blessed hours. It wasn’t like that now. He was glad he had had that coffee, it had kept him awake for the past few hours. But it wearing off, and he could feel his eyes getting heavier and his arms becoming lead weights. He wanted to fight but he wasn’t strong enough, and he could feel himself falling, and falling, and falling...... 

 

_-_-_-_

 

He didn’t know where he was. He was stuck in a dark room and there was nothing around him but black. He had chains around his wrists and ankles. He didn’t dare speak. What if he wasn’t alone? What if he had been captured? He was stuck in his thoughts when the lights flashed on. 

He was in a cubical room. It had gray walls with a black ceiling and a white floor. It wasn’t large, but it wasn’t small either. He was examining his surroundings when someone in all black armour walked in. 

“Tex? Is this some weird flashback? Am I in Blood Gulch? Fuck! I’m in Blood Gulch aren’t I?” He kept his ‘I give no fucks’ demeanor about him, hoping that this was just some fucked up nightmare he would wake up from soon. 

“Sadly, no.” The voice made him relax. Wash. 

“Dude, where the fuck am I? Like seriously, chains? I mean like no kink shame, but I’m not really into that kinda shit-” He was cut off when Wash grabbed him by the throat and pushed him against the wall.

“Shut up.” The voice was cold and unforgiving and this wasn’t his Wash anymore this was someone else what the hell was going on-

“Are you really that stupid?” The words cut into him like a knife and he felt his heart bleeding.

“You’ll find that I’m even stupider. So, are you working with Felix and Locus? Or is this some roleplaying shit because if you want to I can totally get into that.” He choked out, flashing a cheeky grin. He could feel the disgust emanating from him, and he was thrown to the ground. 

“Really, Lavernius, being the smartest of all the Reds and Blues, you would think that you would’ve figured it out already.” 

“Figured out what? Honestly, even if I’m the smartest of the Blood Gulch Crew, that doesn’t really mean much. Plus, Simmons is insanely smart, so I don’t think that you’re thinking all that clear-” He was shaken by the use of his first name. He hated it, and had changed it from Lilith and while ago. Lavernius still sucked, but it was what his mom would’ve named him if he had been born a boy so he kept it in her memory. 

“Wow. You really are an idiot, aren’t you? I mean, it’s not like I’ve been working with Locus this whole time. You never thought I could be a spy, did you? But really, I had been with the Feds for weeks, you think I didn’t notice that something was wrong? So, I poked around a bit. And lo and behold, I found the greatest scheme of all time. A fake war! Just like the one you guys participated in a while back, right? Before you guys became  _ war heroes. _ ” He spat the last words like they were poison, and Tucker would’ve wiped the spit off his face if he could’ve  _ reached _ his fucking face.

“Dude. You spit on my face.” He deadpanned, and he really hoped the panic on his face didn’t show. This had to be a dream  _ this had to be a dream thishadtobeadream!  _

Wash leaned down and stroked his face, before smiling. He felt something in his stomach before pain took over his body. 

Wash pulled out the knife and wiped it on Tucker pants. 

“I guess you weren’t the smart one. Oh well. But, I’ll give you one piece of good news before you die.” He leaned in close and whispered into Tucker's ear, “You’ll be seeing Caboose sooner than you’d like to think.” He walked out, and Tucker's vision blacked out before he whispered his last words-

 

_-_-_-_

 

He shot up in bed and grabbed his stomach. He lifted his shirt, and there was nothing there besides his birth scars and the one from Felix’s knife. He was okay. It was just a dream. And if he avoided Wash for a few days because of it... well, no one would know but him. 

 

_-_-_-_

 

Carolina was concerned. Both Tucker and Washington hadn’t been acting as they usually did lately. Washington kept making worried glances at Tucker, at least more often than he usually did, and seemed to be more agitated than ever. He had been more then panicked when Tucker had gone missing for those few hours. He was freaking out, yelling and running around. He had even gone so far as to wake Grif up, and had managed to do so, which just showed how badly he was affected by Tucker’s disappearance. 

And Tucker... Tucker had been really withdrawn lately. He had flinched away from their touch, hadn’t been responding to anything they said, and had been almost ignoring them. He hadn’t been sleeping, as was obvious to anyone with eyes, and was eating less and less. She was scared for him. He was going to kill himself at this rate. 

She walked down towards his quarters, holding herself aloof and making sure no one bothered her. She didn’t have time for distractions, she needed to talk to Tucker, and she needed to do it now. Before things got worse. 

She knocked a few times before entering. She found him asleep on his bed, and almost smiled. He was adorable. She made sure he was comfortable before exiting the room, making sure the door was closed behind her. 

She saw Wash making his way down and went to talk to him.

“Washington!” Wash looked up at her and smiled. 

“Hello Carolina. What’s going on?” He asked her, kinda confused. 

“Nothing really. I just wanted to notify you that if you want to speak with Tucker, you’ll have to wait. 

“Why?” He interrupted her, a worried look coming over his face. “Is he hurt? He’s okay, right?” 

“Yes, he’d fine. He’s just taking a nap. Don’t get so worked up over it.” She could visibly see his body relax and some of the tension leave his face. 

“Good. Sorry for that Boss, just you know, we’re in the middle of a war and not that I don’t trust our soldiers but...” They began walking down, the halls almost completely empty. It must’ve been lunch hour. 

“I get it. We’re on a base of people who have been born into war, and frankly, aren’t very good at it. But we’ll be fine. We’ll save everyone, and I promise you, if anyone dies, I’ll make sure it isn’t the Reds and Blues.” 

“I’d rather no one died, but we’re in a war. People are gonna die. People have already died. And the worst part is most of them died in a staged war.” Washes voice took on a somber quality, and she began to guide them towards the mess hall. The Reds and Blues would provide them all with good distractions. Hopefully Wash would forget about Tucker and the War. Hopefuly he would laugh again. 

Wash wasn’t the same anymore. He wasn’t like he had been in the Project. But the Reds and Blues.... they brought some of that Wash out again. They made him revert back into a silly child. And no matter what was happening around him, she hoped that maybe he would be okay again. 

 

_-_-_-_

 

Tucker was in his room, pacing. Should he go back to the training room? He had missed lunch and breakfast, but oddly enough he wasn’t hungry. He would eat a larger dinner to make up for it. Well, a larger dinner for him, at least. Carolina would be happy when he did that. 

He decided to go back to the training room. A few pull ups wouldn’t kill anyone, right? Maybe he should stop by the mess hall for a snack first. Nah. That would take more time and honestly he didn’t really want to interact with people. The Blood Gulch Crew was okay, but being with other people was becoming draining. It was becoming more of a chore than anything else, actually. Even sex was losing it’s appeal! 

He shook those thoughts away and began to jog his way over. It was tiring, far more tiring than it should be honestly, but it was probably just because of his lack of food today. He checked one of the many clocks along the wall. It was 3:30. Dinner was at 5:30. Two hours wasn’t that far away, he would be fine. And he would only do an hour of training. Wash would be happy about that.

Ha! Pleasing two Freelancers in less than a day, that had to be some sort of record (bow chicka bow wow). He walked in and made his way to the pull up bar. He was unusually short, a fact that the others would always tease him over, so he didn’t usually do the pull up bar. But he didn’t feel like doing push ups, so he was gonna do some pull ups. 

He had only done 20 when his vision began to blur, 25 when his legs began to feel like jelly, 30 when he lost all feeling in his arms. He was on the ground, he could tell, as he was now looking at the gray concrete floor instead of the bright white wall. 

People began to surround him and he almost wondered why, until he remembered that he had just collapsed while doing pull ups. I guess skipping on getting that snack was a bad idea.

_-_-_-_

 

“Tucker is in the infirmary. He passed out in the training room and as of now we have no idea why.” Wash almost fell over. 

“What?” He asked, sputtering. 

“Tucker is in the infirmary-” The messenger said again, and Wash cut him off aggressively. 

“I know that. I’m not an idiot. Now, you are going to take me to where Tucker is located, and if the others have not been informed, you are to inform them as soon as this is over. Are we clear?” The fed nodded and walked back down the hall, presumably to Tucker's whereabouts. 

What the hell had Tucker done this time? It was beginning to concern Wash- you know what, scratch that, it was concerning Wash just how often situations like this were occurring. Tucker needed to take care of himself better, that was obvious, and it was becoming apparent that he was not capable of that. 

The fed stopped and pointed him towards the purple door. “Tucker and Doctor Grey are in there. I will send for the other Reds and Blues as soon as possible.”

“Yes, thank you.” He said back distractedly as he walked in. The room was filled with the fluttering of Doctor Grey as she walked over.

“Hello Agent Washington! You’re here to see Captain Tucker, right? Well, obviously, who else would you be here to see, silly! Anyway, over here. He’s mostly okay, just lack of food and sleep. At least, I think so, but we can’t really tell till he wakes up! He’s unconscious right now, and I have an IV in his arm for nutrients, though it isn’t nearly as bad as it could have been! He should be awake sooner than later. Anyway, I have other patients to see so you just watch over him for a bit!” She said as she dragged him to Tucker’s bedside, then flew out of the room. She was a great woman, but being near her drained Wash. 

He looked at Tucker's face. He looked bored, maybe even frustrated. It was odd. Usually when someone slept they looked peaceful. Hell, even Carolina managed it! How was Tucker not?

It was then that Caboose and Carolina walked in, with Epsilon hovering over her shoulder. 

“Agent Washingtub! How did you get here do fast! And why is Tucker asleep! It is not nap time!” He gasped, “Agent Washingtub, is Tucker being stupid again! Stupid Tucker.” 

“How is he doing?” Carolina asked, ignoring Caboose. 

“Grey says he’s doing well. I honestly have no idea. Apparently he hasn’t been getting enough nutrients or something, and then he tried to work out....” Realization struck Wash and his words tumbled out, “Has he eaten anything today? At all? Because he went on that 3 hour run, missed breakfast, took a nap and missed lunch, and then tried to train without any food in his system. He took a long ass run today and didn’t eat anything! No wonder he passed out!” 

“Did Grey say anything else?” 

“Only that he hadn’t been getting enough sleep. But we’ve seen him sleep, so that doesn’t make any sense.” 

“Any timeframe for when he’d wake up?” 

“She just said sooner rather than later, though that’s not really very helpful. 

“Well then, I guess we wait.” 

“But I want to eat, Washingtub! Why should we wait for stupid Tucker....” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long chapter!! And- not only that- YOURE GONNA GET ANOTHER CHAPTER UPDATE IN JANUARY!! WHOO HOO!!


	6. I’m Dying Alone (Please Stay With Me)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tucker dreams.

Tucker had always hated dreaming.

 

_-_

 

He was still under his bed when he heard someone knock on the door. He wouldn’t answer, he wouldn’t leave his room and face the lifeless husks that used to be his parents. The knocks continued, getting louder and more forceful. He heard a loud crash and then a voice.

“Hello? Anyone here? I’m your neighbor, Carol, and I’ve noticed that the house seems to be-” Then a scream. She must’ve found his mom. His mom.....

He didn’t want to think about it.

“Oh my god oh my god oh my god.” There was silence, and then the lady spoke again. “Hello? 911? Yes, I can hear you. Recently, my neighbors have been really quiet. I haven’t seen anything move in or out of their house in almost 2 weeks, and their car was still in their driveway, so I went over to see how they were and..” Her voice began to waver. He wondered if she was crying. “I found one my neighbors dead. There were 3 people living here, and I found the mother dead. I don’t know where the others are, they had a young boy living with them, her son.” There was a few seconds of silence. “No, I haven’t moved past the living room, where I found...” Now he could hear her crying. It was kind of annoying. “Oh, yes, their address is..” Her voice faded, and he guessed that she had left.

He shifted and looked out to the window. He had closed the curtains, but there was still a little crack he could see through. He grabbed his water bottle and took a small sip. He wasn’t stupid, he knew that he needed food and water to survive. After he had stopped crying they were the first and only things he grabbed. He had no idea how much water he had left though, and didn’t feel like running back to the sink, especially with the police coming.

He stayed under his bed until a police officer looked under and grabbed him, looking panicked. He was rushed outside to the ambulance, but after that everything was a blur.

He couldn’t remember how he ended up in his new foster home. All he remembered was being carried out of his house and then ending up here.

All he remembers of his first foster home is darkness. Of blows in the night when no one was there to see it. Of a mother who didn’t care, who always blew him off, but loved her husband with all her heart (and the money he brought in).

He remembers a sister for a short while. He remembers pretending to hate her enough so she’d leave. He remembers getting punished for that. Nothing but water for a week.

He remembers only staying for a year before he was moved again. He was moved into an okay home. He had two moms this time. He didn’t know why the people around him didn’t like it. he remembers loving them, and them loving him. He remembers that they became his new parents for almost two whole years before one of them got cancer. And so he was moved again.

He remembers a lot, a lot of foster homes, a lot of families, and a lot of loneliness. A lot of abuse. A lot of sadness.

So he wasn’t surprised when he woke up to a dark lonely room.

 

_-_-_-_

 

It was pitch black. He had no idea what time it was (which almost made him panic but he swallowed it down) but it had to either be really early in the morning or really late at night. He tried to sit up, but he fell back down after moving maybe a centimeter. Obviously his body was against him in that endeavor. He instead felt around himself, until he felt... hair?

He looked over and found Washington sitting in a chair, head leaning on his arm, asleep. And drooling. He would’ve found it adorable if the drool wasn’t dripping down his arm and onto his bed. Ew. He was tempted to shake his arm, causing Wash to wake up, but he wasn’t that cruel. That could wait until they were relationship level 4 or 5.

Tucker stared at the ceiling, bored. There was nothing for him to do. No clock in here, no windows, and he wasn’t going to go back to sleep. That was not an option, no way in heaven or hell.

How quickly do you think he’d have to wake Wash up to startle him into killing him?

What the fuck? What the actual fuck? Where did that come from? That was not okay, that was not okay at all, holy shit holyshit _holyshitwhatthefuck_ . He could hear his heartbeat getting faster and faster, and the machine next to him began to beep more and more until his head was swimming and he couldn’t breathe _he couldn’t breathe._

He wanted to thrash around, he wanted to scream, he wanted to curl up in a ball, but all he could do was lay there and stare at the ceiling as his throat closed up and tears began to leak out of his eyes and he felt like he was dying. He couldn’t move, and that’s what scared him the most, because he had to be in control, he couldn’t lose control, last time he had lost control two people had ended up _dead_ and it was all it fault it was _always his fault_ . He didn’t notice Wash moving around, he didn’t notice when Wash sat up and stretched, he didn’t notice because he had closed his eyes to try to stop the tears from leaking and he was trying to even what little breath he had, he was _dying_ here he didn’t have to notice what was going on.

He missed the look of panic that appeared on Washes face when he saw the tears on Tucker's face, the rigid body, the clenched fists and the quickened breath. He did notice when the chair fell to the floor, the loud clatter it made that seemed to echo in the otherwise silent room. He heard the pounding feet as they ran from the room, and it seemed like an eternity until someone came back.

He had managed to open his eyes, and even though the tears were slowing down he was still panicking, he was still dying and the constant beeping hadn’t slowed down.

There were 2 pairs of footsteps coming now, and he made out the blurred figures of Washington and Grey. Wash seemed to be really stressed and Grey was a flurry of movement, flying around the room. He wondered what Wash was stressed about for only moments before his mind was locked back onto a line of _panic and stress and its all your fault it’s always your fault you’ve never been good enough and you never will be._

The last thing he heard was yelling. The last thing he saw was a blurry outline of Washington's face. The last thing he felt was a warm hand encompassing his own.

 

_-_-_-_

 

“Is he okay? What just happened?” Wash demanded, looking at Grey while he held Tucker's hand.

“Tucker has just gone through what seems to be a panic attack.” Grey seemed to be functioning at normal human rates, though that was probably because she was really tired. They all were at this time of night.

“What! He’s never shown any symptoms of that before! Will he be okay?” Washes words came out in such a jumble even Doctor Grey couldn’t understand him.

“Excuse me? Could you repeat that?”

“Will Tucker be okay?” He asked, weary and worried.

“I believe so. However, I’ve shot him full of sedatives, so he should be out till tomorrow morning. Let me also ask, has Tucker ever had a panic attack before?”

“Not that I know of. Though you may want to ask the Reds, or even Caboose, though I don’t know if we’ll get anything out of him.”

“Thank you for getting me. That was quick thinking. Now if you’ll excuse me, I would like to get some sleep before breakfast. Feel welcome to take the cot next to Tucker’s, as I doubt you’ll be leaving to your room tonight.” Grey left back to her room, which was only a few doors down as she was one of the head doctors.

Wash took her up on her offer of the cot, and scooted his as close to Tucker’s as possible.

He didn’t sleep well that night.


	7. What’s going on (I Don’t Understand)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New update! Sorry for the long window between! Only half-beta'd, sorry! Hope you enjoy it <3

 

“Wash, are you okay?” Wash’s head shot up, and he rubbed his eyes and blinked. When he opened his eyes, he saw Tucker awake next to him, looking quite confused.

“Yeah, I’m fine. It’s you who I’m worried about. Do you remember anything about last night?” Wash questioned, half of him hoping that he would’ve forgotten everything and just be normal again.

“Sort of. I remember falling asleep, then feeling like I was dying, then waking up here. Why?” He looked cute when he scrunched his nose like that, and Wash kind of wanted to pinch it, but he stopped himself. 

“Because last night Doctor Grey and I think you had a panic attack.” Wash took a deep breath. “And I was there through all of it.” 

Tuckers entire body seemed to freeze. “What?” His voice sounded like it had been carved from ice, and Wash almost froze. 

“We think you had a panic attack. I don’t know what caused it, but we had to put you under sedatives because we didn’t know how to stop it.” Wash paused. “I thought you were dying, honestly.” 

“If what I remember from last night is correct, that’s how it felt, too.” Tucker forced a chuckle, and scratched the back of his neck. He honestly had no idea how to react. “Also, what’s a panic attack?” 

Wash gaped at him, opening and closing his mouth before shaking his head. “A panic attack is.. Jesus Christ, how does someone explain a panic attack? Um, basically...” He paused. “I’m gonna get Doctor Grey. She’ll be able to explain it better than I can. One second.” He got up, groaning, and fast walked out of the room. Then, he poked his head back in. “And don’t move. Just wait right where you are for a few seconds, okay?” 

Tucker nodded and stayed where he was. Were panic attacks bad? Judging by Washes reaction, probably. Ugh. Just another thing wrong with him. Perfect. He looked around, finally getting to see his surroundings. 

Huh. He had an IV in his arm. Weird. He didn’t remember that happening. But then again, judging by Wash’s face, maybe he didn’t want to remember. The squeal of the door interrupted his thoughts, Wash and Doctor Grey entering the room.

“So, Wash tells me you don’t know what a panic attack is. Don’t worry about it, it’s not inherently bad, but you should probably be informed of what’s really going on. Now, before I officially diagnose you, I’m going to have to so a few examin ations. They shouldn’t be painful, so don’t panic! Ha! Anyway, A panic attack is a sudden  [ episode ](http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/panic-attacks/basics/definition/con-20020825#) of intense fear that triggers severe physical reactions when there is no real danger or apparent cause. Panic attacks can be very frightening. When panic attacks occur, you might think you're losing control, having a heart attack or even dying. It is treatable, however, with drugs and therapy! Anyway, let me go and get what I need to do a real examination, and I’ll be right back!” She burst out the door, leaving a confused and unsure Tucker behind.

“Can you simplify that?” Tucker asked, looking at Wash. 

“I can try. So basically,  A panic attack is when you feel intense fear that tricks your brain into thinking that you’re in danger or something stressful, when you're not. It causes physical reactions, which is why we’re concerned. And based on what I’ve heard you say, I’m almost 100% sure that you have panic disorder.” Wash explained, and Tucker nodded along with what he was saying, though it was impossible to tell if he was just faking understanding or actually got it. 

“I’m backkkkk. So, Tucker, let's examine you!” 

 

_-_-_-_

 

“Dude, that was brutal.” Tucker complained, finally getting out of the infirmary. “Why was I in there anyway?” 

“Oh, you passed out in the Training room. We didn’t know why until the examination. Seriously, you need to eat more. You can’t skip meals anymore, and you have to take care of yourself! Do you know how worried we were!? How worried I was?!” 

“I think. Probably. I’m like 78% sure I know exactly how you were feeling. Maybe even 83%.” Tucker stated, and he looked serious for about 30 seconds before he burst out laughing. “Nah bro I knew exactly what you were feeling, 100%. But honestly, if you were that worried about me passing out, be glad you weren’t there when I gave birth to my son. God, that was ugly. But it did leave with this awesome ass scar!” He lifted his shirt and pointed at the long, painful scar running across his stomach.

“You had a kid? When? And with who?” Wash looked genuinely confused, and Tucker just gave him a long look. 

“It’s a long story. Basically, so I got this awesome sword, you’ve seen it, and then there was this alien and a quest and then I wound up pregnant. How do you think the Reds and Blues found out I was trans? If you haven’t noticed already, they aren’t all that observant. I have some photos if you wanna see him! He’s so cute! And so smol.”

“Wait, you had a kid with an alien? What? What kind of alien.” 

“Oh yeah, my kids a Sangheili Elite.” Tucker said, almost offhandedly. 

“What?! You’re kinds an Elite?! From the Covenent?! How old is he? When did this happen? How did I not know?!” Washes voice started to squeak and Tucker snorted.

“First of all, Junior is not part of the Covenant. Don’t be a dick. And I had him back in Blood Gulch, though I don’t know if he’s still alive. I haven’t been able to contact him since before we crashed here, though I have to believe that he’s still alive. After all, he’s a 7 feet tall Elite Sangheili! Not much can kill him!” He sounded kind of depressed through all of that, though he tried to lighten up towards the end. 

“I’m sure your son... Junior, is fine. Like you said, he’s an Elite. He’s fine.” 

“Dude, where are we going? We’ve just been wandering the halls.” 

“I don’t know. I was following you.”

“But I was following you.” 

“.....God damn it.” 

 

_-_-_-_

 

“So, what you’re saying is that Tucker has panic disorder and none of us noticed?” Carolina asked Kimball and Grey. Grey had asked to meet with them as soon as possible and so here they were. 

“Yep. Not only that, but it’s severe! I think that not only will we have to put him on meds, but we’ll also have to have him go a weekly therapy session! Maybe more if it gets any worse!” Grey said, cheer filling her voice. How she managed it, Carolina had no idea. 

“Will it affect his fighting? I am concerned for Tucker, I really am, but I have to put my job as General first. He is a captain of our army and if his condition hurts our men I will have to take action.” Kimball spoke with an apologetic tone, as if she was sorry that she had to put her job over her personal feelings. Carolina understood that. She had done it many times- maybe too many. 

“Not if we get him on meds soon! I believe that if we get him treatment sooner rather than later that if anything, his skills will improve!” Grey sounded sure of herself, and while Carolina may have her doubts, she kept her mouth shut. Grey was probably right. After all, Carolina wasn’t a doctor. 

“Grey, get started on that as soon as you can. I want Tucker in top shape as soon as he can be. Carolina, I want you to train some of our promising recruits. You can review our best and choose a select few to train. I want some elite fighters in our army. If you can, please include the lieutenants. Thank you both. I’ll see you tomorrow night in the war room.” 

Carolina walked out, Grey following close behind. 

“Oh, Carolina! Hey, just wanted to ask you one favor, if that’s okay with you.”

“Well, it depends on what it is.” She crossed her arms and looked at Grey. 

“Can you keep an eye on Tucker for me? I need to do a bit more digging into my results before I can issue any sort of treatment, and I don’t know how long it’ll take me. So, until I do that, watch him, okay? Don’t let him do anything stupid, reckless, or unneedingly stressful. I know we’re in the middle of a war, but relieving any of his unneeded stress is vital right now. And I know you have your own issues, after all I’ve helped with them, so if you can talk to him about it that’d be fantastic. Can you do that for me?” Grey gave her a pleading look, and if Carolina had even been thinking about saying no that face would’ve caused her to say yes.

“Of course. The Reds and Blues are my family.” Grey smiled at her 

“Thanks Carolina.” She skipped away, humming a tune under her breath. Carolina chuckled. She may not understand Greys undying enthusiasm, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t enjoy it. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let the shitstorm, begin! This chapter is dedicated to Torch Stélechos, so shout out to them! Love y'all!


	8. Reunions and Confusions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short update, next one will be longer I promise! 
> 
> This is mostly filler/build up.

When Wash and Tucker walked into the mess hall, the Reds and Caboose all started an uproar.

  
“Tucker, where have you been? I thought you were dead!” Donut, though why he was concerned was unclear to Wash at the moment.

  
“I can’t believed you skipped meals! That’s like a priest skipping church!” Grif.

  
“Shut up Grif! Hey Tucker. How are you doing?” Simmons.

  
“Dirty blues! I thought you had died, dang nab it!” Sarge. Honestly, they had been fighting together for years, who did he think he was fooling at this point?

  
“Washingtub! Did you really stay with Tucker all night?” Caboose. Seriously, did he have to bring that up? If anyone said anything, he swore to god...

  
“Ha! Simmons, you owe me 10 bucks!” 

  
“Seriously? You couldn’t have waited another month? Honestly...” Simmons grumbled, glaring at Wash.

  
“What? Did you guys place bets? On what? Nothing happened last night. At all. Trust me.” Wash just sounded exasperated, but Grif kept on grinning.

  
“Sure, Wash. We totally believe you. Nothing happened at all last night. Uh huh. That’s right.”

  
“Dude, are they still giving out food?” Tucker asked, changing the subject.

  
“Um, yeah. But only if you hurry, they’re only serving for another 15 minutes. And I know that because I am dedicated to this cafeteria and the food it serves. That’s why I fight. For food! For honor! For glory!”

  
“Shut up, Grif! No one wants to hear you rant about food!”

  
“As if you know anything, Simmons. Why don’t you shut up? I bet no one wants to hear you talk about your nerdy science stuff either! So there!”

  
“That’s different and you know it!” Grif and Simmons argued as Wash and Tucker went to get breakfast.

  
“Honestly, if those two are ‘just friends’, I’m gonna scream.” Tucker muttered, and Wash smothered a laugh.

  
“No, seriously! Like I swear I must’ve missed their wedding when I was with Junior or something because there is no way in hell they aren’t married!” Tucker protested, waving his hands around dramatically.

  
“Sure, Tucker. You keep on believing that.” Wash said, clapping him on the shoulder. Tucker opened his mouth to argue but Wash kept talking. “Also, do you have any idea why Donut was so concerned about you? He sounded genuinely worried.”

  
“Donut and I are actually really good friends. He was with me before I got trapped in the desert temple. You know the one, the one where we got Epsilon Church, right? Yeah well, I was working at negotiations between these 2 groups of people and aliens, and Donut was there, so we became pretty good friends. He was the one who got Junior out, basically saved his life. If he hadn’t been there... honestly I don’t know if I could’ve gotten Junior out without him there.” What Wash hadn’t intended to be a very deep question had taken a somber turn.

  
“Well he was there. That’s what matters.” Wash put a reassuring hand on his shoulder before they grabbed some food. There wasn’t much of a selection, but Wash was confident that when the planet got back on it’s feet there would have more of everything.

  
They slid up the table and sat down, next to each other of course. Tucker was digging in, as this was the first meal he’d had in awhile. Carolina would be happy when he told her. Well, she would pretend to be indifferent about it but she would be excited. She just didn’t want the admit she loved the Reds and Blues. He began to eat, admittedly in a better manner than the way Tucker was, and chatted with the Blood Gulch Crew.

  
It was relaxing. It was nice. It meant, as he glanced at Tucker, that things were finally going back to normal.

_-_-_-_

“Hey Carolina. You wanted me? Bow chicka bow wow.” Tucker said as he walked into the meeting room. Carolina had asked for him to meet her here at noon, so here he was. She was sitting at the other end of the room, without armor. Tucker was kind of shocked, Carolina was rarely ever seen in civilian clothing, but he kept quiet.

  
“Not in that way Tucker, no. I just wanted to talk to you.” She walked over to him and steered him to a seat, before sitting across from him. “I’m gonna be forward here, I’m worried about you. You haven’t been yourself lately, and it’s noticeable. So, what’s wrong? And don’t give me that ‘We’re in a war’ bullshit, I’ve heard it before, and I want to actually know what's going on. And this time, you’re staying here until I get the answer.”

  
Well, shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait! Updates should probably start to become more frequent over the summer, so in like 3 weeks I should be posting updates once a week-ish. Hopefully. Thanks for reading, love y'all. Follow we on tumblr at Infinity2375 if you have questions or comments b/c I'd love to answer them! Tag will be infin writes.


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